I was contacted by an ex-girlfriend today, I still love this girl, I think a part of me will always love her. She does not know about my heart condition. She wants to try things over again. Would it be jealous of me to try and work things out knowing I don’t know how much longer I have?
July 2014, I came down with something. I was coughing, sneezing, body aches everything hurting making me feel like death was coming soon. I went to the doctors, they told me I had Pneumonia, I was put on a round of antibiotics and quickly began to feel better. Few months go buy, living my life as normal as it would get. I come with the same feeling. this time much worse I could not breathe when I would walk. I felt like okay this is the end and I was ready. I went to work Monday morning, still having trouble to breathe, its been a week since i was sick and the antibiotics the doctor gave me were not working. I decided that monday afternoon enough was enough, I was going to the hospital. I started to drive to the hospital, chest was beating, heart was racing, i felt as if someone had sat on my chest! I pull into the hospital, give the valet my key and rushed into the ER. I walk in and I tell the woman at the counter, I have chest pains, I cannot breathe, and my heart is racing…
She quickly got up rushing me inside told me take my shirt off, and to lay down. They Slapped all these stickers on me and all these wires out of no where and decided to plug me in. At this point I don’t know what is going on. I’m scared, no one knows I’m here…. They pull me inside after saying its not a heart attack… I was relieved they told me I have a bad case of pneumonia and they want to me spend the night for some antibiotics… I was in a confused state, i kept saying no no no no. Until A friend Ashley came out to my little corner I was sitting in and told me I was staying and there was no way around it. So at that point I called my brother told him what was going on… he was scared, I asked him to bring my clothes and laptop because I was spending the night here, he agreed and came dropped off my things….
I was sitting there in hospital bed wondering, how could this happen to me? Don’t I already have dealt with enough.. I fell asleep pretty easily that night for some reason. I woke up the next morning to this woman standing over me, she asked if she can check my vitals, I agreed and she began to tell me that they think something else is going on and you should be ready to stay for awhile. This woman seemed out of place, she did not have scrubs on, just a white blouse and jeans, very pretty and I was not worried when she said that to me. Later that day my doctor comes in and says to me we want to see your heart in an echo scan, I agreed. They took me into this cold closet spaced room, dark and very cold. I had to take my shirt off, and this nurse would run this wand across my chest. I was nervous this is my first time ever in the hospital. It was quiet for the whole test and she would not tell me anything. I finally finish, she tells me the doctor will tell you the results. I went back to my room and very nervous about the results” was I dining?” thats all that ran through my head that night.
The next morning my parents, and brother were at the hospital with me, the doctor comes in and tells me “your heart is functioning at about 10-15%” you have congestive heart failure. It didn’t hit me at first how serious this was, all I could do was laugh when I heard this. I couldn’t believe it I didn’t know what that was… I was prescribed a bunch of medicines and sent home 2 days after with the life expectancy of five years to live.
I was 24 years old.. and still counting until my five year mark.
I grew up very different, some may call be strange. What does it mean to be strange or different? Im 26 now and lived my entire life in sadness and defeat. I was born with a disease called port wine stain. No cure is found for this only laser treatments that are too expensive for me to afford. It covers half my face neck and chest. I consider myself to be a nice person but it is hard for people to get to know who I really am. I am threat to the norm and people fear what they do not know. Sometimes I like people to walk in my shoes one day and see how much people judge without saying a word. I was at the mall the other day and a lady stared at me in a bad way, I wasn’t sure why then I noticed her taking a hold of her child and moving her away from the direction I was walking. I am no threat why would she do this. She judged me on how I look without even saying a word. I am depressed everyday of my life. I put a mask to hide from my true self everyday and pretend that I am happy. I try to make my friends happy and do my best to give them all they need from me. I never ask anything in return. sometimes I wonder if anyone will miss me when Im gone. I am all alone in the world, no one can understand the hurt feel everyday when I step outside.